I'm a young gay guy who just sick of life!

[colleen]

I am a young guy and I don't know what to do I have nothing to live for. I am failing all my exam's. I like nothing about myself I am an ugly freak. I've known that I was gay with a few years. ok I'm going to write my story,
I remember when I was in primary I loved it I got on with everybody and was really happy. I knew that there was something wrong with me though the whole time.
That Summer thing's began to change and I started to notice I was attracted to guy's. I hoped that these feeling's would paas but they didn't. In 1st year I got bullied over the way I looked and the way my voice sounded and I was told I was a fag and bum boy. I told a teacher about this and they tought they sorted the bullying. Thing's got alot worse These people turned the whole 1st years on me and I was known as a rat and the worst thing of all was what happened then it was a Wednesday afternoon this guy pi*sed on all my stuff and then he forced me to lick it. The rest of 1st year went be I skipped loads of days and the last day eventual came I was so happy.
Then 2nd year came and thing's improved a little bit I made a few friends and we got on ok it wasactually a good year.
Then 3 rd year came along and this was a hard year people started on about me not being into girls and how I liked gay and all this ****e again I drifted further apart from my friends and I spent nearly the whole time outside of class's in the toilets and just before the Easter holidays I was subjected to a horrible attack I was dragged up to the school pitch and I was stripped down and tied to a tree and I was told that this is was I got for being a fag boy It took me 3 hours to get down from the tree. I found my clothes and went home I locked myself in the bathroom and had a bath for a few hours trying to wash myself then about a week later my parents were out and I was really sad. I got as much drink as I could get and took loads of tablets. I passed out and I actually thought I was dead I woke up a few hours later in a pile of my own commet I had fallen and I broke my arm and that was it that's how sad I am. I couldn't even kill myself right. I never told anybody and I went back to school and I did my juniopr cert.
Then it was on into 5th year and I things were ok for the start and then I decided to tell my ''BEST'' friend that I was gay. He then blackmailed me about it for a few months and then he started to tell a few people and it was weird none of them paid much attetion to him. He uset make me do things for him such as do his homework and give him money.
I hate being gay so much there is not one thing about it I like. I have never kissed a guy or nothing I know If I did go out to a gay bar I would just be laufghed at for my ugly apperance and I would be redjected. This would not help me one bit.
As for coming out nobody really know's/ I can never tall my parent's though because they hate gay people they think it's wrong and my father think that they diserve to get AIDS. He also said that if any of them came near him that he would shot them.
What should I do??

[spiderchef]

Contact Rainbow Support Services ,they can really help u,u could drop in to them in Fox`s bow or call them (061)310101, they also have a help line thats confidential,and they could give u alot of support, thats on tuesday and the number is the same between 7.30pm-9.30pm . Trust me when i say ur not alone,all of us have been through the same in some shape or form,i`m 37 and i just told my parents ,i was never so scared but it turned out ok but u need support,please call that number,they helped me and i met some really fantastic friends through rainbow,u don`t have to do this alone.....

[Stupid Cupid]

I think Spiderchef has said it all really. We have all been there at one point or another so we all know what you are going through.

If you don't mind me asking, where in Ireland are you based? I've seen you post on a few different forums, and was just thinking that if we knew what city/county you are living in, we might be able to recommend the best support service for you. What I mean is, Rainbow are great at what they do, but if you are living in Dublin or Cork etc, there are other organisations that might be easier for you to access.

[fada]

I would echo what Spiderchef and Stupid Cupid said Colleen.. you are not on your own, there are many of us who have gone through very similar situations in our lives. There are an awful lot of organisations out there who are there to support us all through the tough times, and through coming out, Rainbow in Limerick being one, Out in Ul being another, (and thats just in Limerick) remember, that you are not alone, and you have made the 1st step by posting here, we're all here to help, and to support each other, that is what our community is all about.
If you could tell us where you are located (we're not looking for your Identity or your address or anything) we could direct you to the group nearest to you that could help you.

God Bless,
Fada

[dykecrewleader]

[QUOTE]I am a young guy and I don't know what to do I have nothing to live for. I am failing all my exam's. I like nothing about myself I am an ugly freak. Considering your story Colleen i am not surprised that you are feeling like you are failing your exams. It is hard to like ourselves when we don't like being gay and especially if we have been subjected to such abuse and emotional torture, its really difficult to see yourself as being worth something. I don't think of you as a freak, i think of you as a young man in pain. There is a lot about your story that resonates with me.


I knew that there was something wrong with me though the whole time. I used to feel like that too. Then after i went to counselling i began to see being gay as "something right with me" and pretending to be anything else as "something wrong with me". I always knew i was not what i was told i should be though, i always felt different and for a long time i felt that the difference was wrong. Now i know it is not wrong but i can remember that feeling all too clearly.


I told a teacher about this and they tought they sorted the bullying. I am amazed at how brave you are. I never had the courage to tell a teacher. It is a real shame that it did not work out for you.


Then 2nd year came and thing's improved a little bit I made a few friends and we got on ok it wasactually a good year. Hold onto that feeling, it can be like that again for you if you are willing to change a few things. It really surprised me how quickly my life turned into something that was relaxed and felt right once i really started to try to help myself out, made new friends who were gay and left the trouble of other people behind.


I spent nearly the whole time outside of class's in the toilets This wouldn't have helped you with your study. I don't know if you have ever looked into it but if you told this story to an alternative educational establishment like youth reach, i am sure they would take you. Those places are set up for people who were estranged from the mainstream education system for some reason, your estrangement has a very good reason.


and just before the Easter holidays I was subjected to a horrible attack I was dragged up to the school pitch and I was stripped down and tied to a tree and I was told that this is was I got for being a fag boy It took me 3 hours to get down from the tree. I am really sorry that happened to you, it sounds really distressing and traumatic. I can understand why you did not tell anyone. That kind of treatment is totally illegal and if you wanted to you could still tell the guards. There are loads of Garda Liasion Officers stationed all over Ireland to deal with just these types of situations. The information is inside the GCN (Gay Community Newspaper) and there is a website where all of the info is posted (www.gcn.ie)


I was really sad. I got as much drink as I could get and took loads of tablets. I passed out I did the same when i was 16. I slept for 2 days and when i came round i had the worst headache ever and a really bad gut! You must have been feeling really low to try it. I have felt quite low since, many times, but always remember that i tried it and it did not work so there is a reason i am here, i live my life trying to figure out what that reason is. Maybe its the same with you?


I couldn't even kill myself right. Like i said Colleen, i believe that is because there is a reason for you to live, you just have to figure it out.


I never told anybody Well you have now and that is a good start. Keep talking, no-one can survive holding this stuff in, especially when it is as painful as your story is. You must have quite a lot of stamina and strength to live with these feelings in silence all these years.


I decided to tell my ''BEST'' friend that I was gay. I hope this person is no longer in your life.


I hate being gay so much there is not one thing about it I like In fairness you have not yet had the opportunity to experince anything about being gay. There is much more to being gay than feeling bad about it. LGBT people are creative and exciting to be around in large groups. The Pride festivals can be enjyoed from the side of the street and no-one needs to know you are there because you are gay. There are lots of Pride festivals all up and down the country. I felt that there was nothing good about being gay until i went to a LGBT youth group. I was scared at first because i thought they would not like me, that i was ugly and stupid and depressing to be around. It turned out, lesbians love the way i look and i feel great about that! You never know what can happen if you let yourself experience something new. (www.belongto.org)


I know If I did go out to a gay bar I would just be laufghed at for my ugly apperance As i said, i thought i was ugly but it turns out i am not even though i still think of myself as being ugly! :) What another person sees as beautiful cannot be told. You may be very surprised. LGBT people see beauty in many different ways and most LGBT people i know are into the soul of a person as well as the looks. You will never know what you look like through someone else eyes, unless you ask them!!


I can never tall my parent's Many people feel like this. Spiderchef knows that one all too well. Whilst it helps to tell your parents because it means you can live your life openly without hiding, you don't have to. You certainly don't have to tell them until you want to. Try not to worry about things that you don't need to deal with just yet.

Hope some of that helps you feel a little less alone!
Sorry its so long!!

[Commotion]

Just hold tight for the moment. This horribleness is only temporary.

You're not strange. You're just having a rough time coping with life at the moment.

I don't know how old you are, but you appear to be young enough.

Life will definitely get better. You will eventually feel more comfortable in yourself and in finding true friends.

If you are living in a small town, you can move to a city where there will be more opportunity to meet good people.

Check out the services available in your area, swallow your fear and try to get in touch with some support.

Coming out is scary and stressful, but in time it will be a lot easier and you will be much happier.

Hugs.

[Rainbow Support Services]

'Colleen' Hi this is Rainbow support services, we are here to support you.

You are not alone.

Please please give us a ring on 061 310101 during office hours and on tuesday evenings 7.30-9.30pm, or you can email me at rainbowlmk@eircom.net or text me on 087 9310252.

We have support groups, one to one support and a counselling service. People that have read your page have let us know how alone you feel and how upset you feel. These may be strangers, but they are worried about you.

Please give us a ring. You can ask for me Vanessa.

If you live outside of Limerick I can come to you to support you through this.

[Sheila Fits]

HI Colleen

Fair play to you for having the "balls" to come on here and say how your feeling.

Am sure you feel shit with how things have progressed for you but make no mistake things will improve for you.

It is never easy and you will meet a lot of obsticles in your path.

But keep the head up love it will come good for you.

Great advice to contact Rainbow Support Services......please act on it.

[GENOBLE]

Hope u are ok colleen, dykecrewleader is right u do need support , life can be hard sometimes and it helps if u can talk to someone who knows what its like to be in the place u are and have been throughout the past years. with the right support we can grow to accept ourselves and make real friends who care for us and help us enjoy life and begin to live happy lives again. so try to overcome the setbacks which have really hurt you and believe in yourself,because your worth it!