Coming Out Stories...

[abydos6]

While there are many of us here on the forum, who have come out of the closet by swinging the door open, sashying across the threshold and proclaiming in a loud and proud voice....

"I'm here, I'm Queer, get used to it"

There are others who didn't have it so easy, or made it that little bit difficult for themselves by worrying what was going to be said or how people were going to react about the fact that they were Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or even questioning their hetrosexuality.

I don't think there is another thread here that deals with this subject and thought it might be nice to have one where we could share our coming out stories, so that others who may only just be viewing the site, without becoming a member for fear of what THAT may mean, or who trawl the web looking for information, or stories, or how to do it themselves can read it and know that they aren't alone, that somewhere someone has expereinced something similar, not the same, because I don't think anyone can ever expereince this the same way....

Mine will follow this post almost instantly. Feel free to put your own up here if you are comfertable enough to do it. If not, don't worry, one day you may be.

Love to you all

Gina

[abydos6]

I was married for 11 years, straight as a dye, loved my female freinds, and felt *close* to them. Even provocatively danced with some in my younger days. I dated guys when my marraige broke up and even lived with one *twat* for want of a better word without even thinking that there was another way to live.

Then I went to college, I was sitting in a room waiting to start the access course when *SHE* walked in...something weird stirred inside and it took me by surprise, I had no clue what it was, but when she smiled, everything seemed much brighter. My usual nerves were in over drive, and I had a feeling this wasn't quite right.

As the days went on I was able to attach the word *attraction* to this feeling that was developing and fought hard to push it down under. But I couldn't and ended up looking for an explination all the while trying to avoid the woman in question (which proved difficult in a small group of people). Over the course of the next year I researched what was going on (college remember), and read up on everything I could lay my fingers on.

I knew I wasn't a lesbian because I still found men to be attractive, but women, now this was something that hadn't occured to me. In that year we'd to do a project on sexual health, to which I found an excuse to research sexuality all the more, it was then I found out what I was...BISEXUAL... not a very popular thing to be in the straight or gay community as this sexuality was percived in books and from indiviuals as *preying on both sexes*, *having your cake and eating it too*, *Bi now Gay later*, *sitting on the fence* etc., but I was none of these things, I was as I always had been...monogomous (sp). Actually I was worse than that, because I swore off both males and females until I had a chance to come to terms with it all.

It was at this time I began to want to meet other gay people and didn't know how to do it. I knew there was a gay man in my class but I didn't want to approach it with him at that point. I spent several years walking past a closed door in UL where the society met, wanting to go in, but unable to walk up to that door, and go through it. I wasn't ready.

I basically then came out to my Gay freind, and he took me to quinns, where bless his heart he tried to set me up with another woman (actually, anyone that would take on a new older woman) without much success. I did meet another student there, and we both had a *what are you doing here* moment, and I left them to it lol.

I went then to Dolans LA Boutique to practice my skills in picking up women...all three I tried it on where straight...I gave up and remained celebate. It had been agony asking and being thanked and then told...*but I'm Straight* my GAYDAR hadn't quite kicked in.

News went around the college that OUT in UL was expereincing a little trouble and may not start up that semester. So everyone that intrested in keeping it going was asked to show up to a meeting. I did, I ended up Vice Chair, and then leading the soc in the second semester, I got president in the following year and loved every single moment of it. I was finally out to everyone in college that needed or wanted to know.

My kids however were the last coming out that I had to do that was important to me at that time, I went all out, beers, alcobeers, pizza, chips...the works...I arrived home, nervous, wondering how my kids were going to react, and when they saw the stuff and I told them that I needed to speak to them they at once thought that I was seriously ill or I dunno dying. I summoned up my nerve, and told them, waiting for the backlash from them. It didn't happen. Instead they all turned to me and said *is that ALL?* I was in shock, prepared for everything but total, and unyeilding acceptance. I loved them more that day than I ever had before. I was so proud of them. Of course they had some questions and still do and I have no problem answering them.

I joined RSS around that time, again, several months locating, and walking up and down the street trying to get up the nerve to walk up to a closed door and ring the bell. I did it and have been there in one form or another since. I love Rainbow with a passion. It gave me a chance to be there for others, as OUT in UL and they had been for me.

My last coming out was to my mom before she passed on. At first she was okay, then that changed. But before she passed, she told me that as long as I was happy, then that was all that mattered. I told her I loved her and that we'd talk about it later. I never got the chance. She didn't accept my partner tho, and to this day if Spiderchef tries to hold my hand or give me a peck on the cheek in my moms house, we both get an electric shock...lol

So, long winded, but that's my story...feel like adding yours?

[Abhainn]

Well done and thank you kindly for sharing Gina. I'm sure this thread will have a deep and lasting impact on many a reader to come.

For me coming out was surreal moreso than anything else. When I was 13 my family had been forced into relocating to Leitrim and for the first 3 years I didn't mingle with others. After spending from the age of four defending myself from homophobic bullying I had planned on seizing control of my life and finally making friends I was nervous and excited when starting in school in new home. I was tired of feeling suicidal and weak and adopted a new outlook. Within the first few weeks another person in my class had rallied some lads and started the taunts again. I was devastated. Here I was in a separate school, in a separate county and I still couldn't escape the past. My glasses had been broken and I didn't care because it looked like I was never getting away from being "THAT kid".

After this incident I decided to keep my head down and not bother with anyone. For 3 years this worked for me. I didn't get hassled but no one knew me either. Then one day a lad I knew to say hi to made the rare trip to his locker and decided to tell me he was gay and had come out to the school. Being the subject of cruel jokes in the past I wasn't prepared to fall for this one and so was very cool with him.

I also didn't really know beyond my own understanding what being gay was or how to be gay. Chatting to a female friend the next day in Science I found out he wasn't fibbing or having a laugh, he'd genuinely come out. In Carrick no less! I remember passing a note saying I thought I might be bisexual. Over time I did get to know this lad and some of his friends sort of.

A few months passed and I was in Art class when one of the girls there asked me outright if I was gay too. She kept asking and eventually I said yes. I wasn't afraid of family finding out because I sort of knew that they'd be okay with it after what happened in Sligo. But 'Mary' had a megaphone mouth and within that day I had come out. One of the girls even came up in tears asking me was it true, because they kind of fancied me!! :eek: That I wasn't prepared for but I guess since no one really knew me I was sort of a blank slate for people to fill in their own story to. (Watch it gutter minds!!! :p).

My parents didn't actually find out officially for another 2-3 weeks. Things had gone odd with the guy I had been involved with. He started ditching me and told others that we had rows when we didn't. Everything seemed to be unraveling again. I felt pressured to tell my Mom first. Together we told Dad while looking for a house. He was incredibly worried for me and for my brothers while living in a small town. Some time later Mom came back to me we chatted some more and the subject of sex came up. She wanted to know if I was the "you know 'man' or the 'woman' in the relationship"... I had to take a double take here and check... MY MOTHER was really asking me whether I was a top or a bottom!?! :o:eek::(

Things moved on at school though and the lad who'd essentially dumped me by my friend (who FYI was a staunch Christian and had issues with me being gay). I met up with other friends and really made lots of friends. I took secret delight in graduating ceremony when I realised that I was the youngest person to officially "come out" while in school and also the first one in Carrick. Others have since started coming out but resources for them are few and far between.

[newbee]

I think this is a great post and is great to share these experience.... personally ive seen allot of publications and mediums presenting all the great sides of coming out, however i do think all sides of the story should be told...its great to come out its so accepting and supportive but some people have a bumpy ride and its not as easy as everyone makes it out... there is a huge amount of mental exhaustion trying to decipher your feelings and inner turmoil to sift through.

I know personally i took me years because i didnt want to be gay, i even remember as a very young child finding out an idol was gay and crying for weeks ( i was dramatic even back then lol ) and promising i would never be like that!!!. thankfully ive now come to terms with this but it is absolutely no easy journey.

I spent years trying to understand and figure out what was happening and the years of bullying did not help. People take for granted what an openminded world we live in at the moment.I came out to my friends first but when it came to telling family i told my sister first who was very supportive and has always been there for me through thick and thin, they say ur friends are the family you choose, but your only family knows you best and will always be there through thick and thin< at least that is my experience of this.

I told my mother when i was in my early twenties, I thought she would be great and my dad would be the problem...how wrong i was... my mother was fine at first and then 2 days later i got a call with her breaking down on the phone! i was stunned. literally had to ring my dad and give him a ten second rundown...im gay please go sort her out.. shes having one of her moments!!! he laughed and said ah sure that was coming all along. i passed a smart comment and then we had a great chat the following day.

They have been so supportive and like abhainn above me i got the sex question. The strange thing i found here is... do they think of your brothers or sisters...it seems when it comes to being gay they automatically think sex....which is something possibly society has wired into them.I told her to go away you perv...i dont want to know about my parents having sex why should they know about me!!!

That was 4 years ago, i am eternally grateful for the family i have, i could not ask for a better support network and my relationships with ALL my family members has grown so much, its a very liberating experience coming out. You really learn who your true friends are and what your family mean to you!.

I am truly happy with who and where i am at now but it still has its bumps. My mother is completely accepting of my sexuality but she always says i love you, i respect who you are but i still think it is wrong. This breaks my heart as i feel no matter what she will never be fully accepting.. i think in every situation the positives and the negatives should always be weighed up.

i am happy i have come out but it comes with its issues. But with a good support network it is fantastic!!

I am happily in a long term relationship and they have really become a member of my family spending as much time with them as i do. It s such a positive act 'coming out' and being able to show other people how fabulous it is to be completely open is really something special. We are all on this earth for a journey of highs and lows and these truly make us who we are!!!

[FGS]

Wow. People being open and honest on the internet. I like it!!

I always new I liked boys, but didnt attach the label 'gay' to it until i went to London to stay with family when I was 13 and after wandering round Soho for a bit I remember thinking "Im gay then". I bought a copy of Gay Times and secretly read it on the coach on the way home. Bit of an eye opener!
I came out to my best friend just before my 15 birthday. This involved drinking alot of red wine, telling him "I had something to tell him" and then sitting there not saying anything for ages until finally blurting it out. I was so nervous and worked up. I thought my heart would explode I hadnt told anyone or even said it aloud before. I thought he might be disgusted with me and throw me out. He might tell everyone at school ( an all boys school in Belfast where rugby and army cadets were what was seen as important, not learning).
He didnt give a toss. This has been the reaction from nearly evrybody i have ever come out too. Most people dont care. "Are you happy?" some ask (yes thanks, are you?).
Coming out to my mother was quite traumatic. We had been very close (like a good little gay boy) as I grew up but when I realised I was gay I started to draw away as i guessed this wouldnt be recieved well. I have never believed in pretending to be someone you are not, so eventually (when I was about 15 and a half) I told my mother. I have never been so worried about anything in my life and with a bit of reason. She was very upset and cried and ran off to her room (as was her usual reaction to stuff she didnt want to hear). Later on she told me to not tell my father as his heart was bad and the news might kill him (I later found out his heart was fine and that he didnt care).
As with a few of the above stories my mum seemed to feel the need to talk about anal sex with me and how horrible rectums are - despite the fact that i had told her that i had been to a safe sex open day thing (and was much more informed than she was). I moved out as soon as I could and we didnt really talk much for years.
I finally decided to just forgive her and we are now on reasonably good terms (it helps that she lives in France and I only see her a couple of times a year). We have talked a little about what happened (but i find myself getting angry and just change the subject after a while) One thing she said struck me: "But what was I meant to do when you told me you were gay?" "Accept me and love me.......Im your son?" I said. "Oh...I didnt think of that". Parents eh?
Coming out doesnt really ever stop. Even short conversations with relative strangers can require you to mention that no, you arent married but your boyfriend will be coming, etc. It does get easier and easier. I dont feel worried before telling someone anymore and often dont really notice Im doing it.

If I was talking to someone wondering about coming out I would say: Just do it. Tell one person and see that it isnt the end of the world. If you are close to the person then they probably know already and were just waiting for you to tell them. Waiting just makes it more and more difficult to finally tell someone. Most people wont care and are pleased that you felt you could be honest with them.

Sorry to have rambled on so much, but I think this is an interesting topic. Being open about who you are is important, both for yourself (living a lie in anyway is bad for you, man) and to raise the visibility of gay people as 'normal' or at least not wrong or inferior.